Inga+Lish



Sworn Statement of Inga Lish

1. My name is Inga Lish.

2. I currently reside in Yupsters Apartments, in the room directly above Lana Gwige. I am employed as a writer. I have published several short horror stories, and three murder mystery novels.

3. I have no idea what happened on December 16. I heard Lana, screaming, of course, but that’s nothing new. She and that bird talk late into the night, with no consideration at all for their neighbors around them. I like to write in the morning. It’s ironic, I suppose, to write horror, blood, and mayhem as the sun is rising, but that’s when my muse strikes. My alarm goes off promptly at 4 a.m., but it’s nearly impossible to drag myself out of bed when I was up late the night before, the unwilling recipient of a free show at midnight.

I’ve asked Lana to please honor quiet hours on numerous occasions. She had the audacity to suggest I get carpets. “It’s apartment regulations,” she simpered. As if my allergies could tolerate carpet! She might as well knife me through the gut, throw my body in a coffin, and spit on me. Carpet indeed!

I have tried to offer many friendly gestures, but I’ve never gotten a thank you. I can’t count the number of times I’ve sent Lana some of my delicious chocolate and fruit spiders, and never a word of appreciation. Don’t worry, they’re not real spiders, just cleverly sculpted candies. They’re delicious, but I suppose Lana is too good for them.

So I heard the screaming yesterday night, but I’m used to all kinds of odd noises at all times of day and night, coming from that ridiculous parrot, so I didn’t take it seriously. Until the police showed up today, I had no idea a crime had even been committed.

It’s rather exciting, but be assured that I wasn’t the one to take the bird. I feel bad for Lana, but glad for myself. Maybe with the parrot gone, I can finally get a good night’s sleep.

Subscribed and sworn to under the pains and penalties of perjury this 17 day of December, 2008.