Guy+Dantz



1. Gaia Dantz is my stage name. I prefer it to my legal name.

2. Apparently, I am required to state my legal name. I don’t know why. Anyway, my legal name is Consuela Ur.

3. I work with Lana Gwige and her pet. I am their warm-up act.

4. I am currently touring with Lana and her bird. Our tour began in DC, will continue through the states, and then we are scheduled to travel to Europe, China, Japan, New Zealand, and parts of South America. The whole thing concludes in California.

On the night in question, Tuesday, December 16, I believe, our show went as usual. Which is to say I was brilliant, as usual, and Lana and the bird were adequate. Good, I might even say, but hardly artists. It is unfortunate that so many people are satisfied with entertainment that is so low-brow. I mean, for goodness sake; are we living in the ninteenth century? Are people actually willing to pay money to see a mime and a talking parrot? Can anyone say carnival sideshow?

Of course, that’s how the parrot got his start. Lana’s uncle, “Wolfman,” was the hairy man with a traveling carnival. He won the parrot in some bet, then used him in his act. Honestly, though, I don’t mind performing with the bird and mime. We’ve already had several rave reviews, and the critics have been wildly enthusiastic about me.

I’m using Lana, really. She and the parrot draw the crowds, and then, when they’re exposed to the kind of art I create, they become converts. They really do. Anyone who has seen true ballet in its purest form finds all other entertainment shallow in comparison. I am a true artist, and people can’t help but be drawn to the poetry of my dance.

Actually, I left before Lana and Einstein even performed. I had a sore ankle, and I needed to put ice on it. I last saw them as they were making their entrance on stage. As far as I’m concerned, the bird’s disappearance doesn’t matter that much. The tickets are already sold, and I know that after seeing me, the audiences won’t mind too much that the second act isn’t there. I have enough material to fill Lana’s portion of the show anyway.

Subscribed and sworn to under the pains and penalties of perjury this 17 day of December, 2008.