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Sworn Statement of Lana Gwige

1. My name is Lana Gwige.

2. I work as a mime. I own a parrot, named Einstein, who is part of my act.

3. On Tuesday, December 16, Einstein and I performed at the Hippodrome Theater in Baltimore. This performance was a big deal, since it was being taped, and would air nationwide on PBS. Gaia Dantz, my warm-up act, left the theater earlier than she normally does. I thought that was odd, because she stays most nights to sign autographs, not that anyone actually asks for hers. She said her ankle hurt, but she was walking normally, so I think that’s odd.

At the theater, I noticed Geo Graffi. I think he has started to stalk me again. He hates Einstein. I’ve tried to explain to him that our friendship is over, but he doesn’t believe me. I hope I don’t have to move and change numbers again.

After the show, which was a matinee, Einstein and I stopped for dinner at Taco Bell. When we got to our apartment building, we saw Maddie Maddox, my housekeeper, leaving. I said hello but she just scowled at us. That’s not unusual though; she hates Einstein.

Einstein and I got onto the elevator. When we got to our floor we peeked around the corner, like we always do, to make sure Sy Entz, my next door neighbor, wasn’t lurking around. I think he wants to perform bizarre medical experiments on Einstein. He creeps me out.

The coast was clear, so Einstein and I went into the apartment. A box of my neighbor, Inga Lish’s chocolates was sitting in front of our door. I let myself and Einstein in, picked up the chocolates, and threw them in the trash, because I’m sure Inga’s been trying to poison me and Einstein for months. When we got in, Einstein and I began talking. Of course, Inga pounded on the ceiling above us with a broom or something. I wish the woman would just get carpets. It would muffle the sound.

I checked my messages. There were two. One was from Ria Ding, my ex-step-daughter. She was ranting hysterically about the cruelty of enslaving birds. Einstein and I both laughed. He’s hardly enslaved; our relationship is very equal. The other was from someone named Prinza Pull; recently she’s been calling me claiming Einstein is hers. I don’t know what she’s talking about.

Einstein wanted to watch Survivor and The Office, but I was tired, so I went into my room to shower and read for a bit. I came out around 10 to get a drink and say goodnight to Einstein. That’s when I found the ransom note. I lost it, I have to admit. Then I called the police. I just hope they find Einstein soon, and that he’s well. I’m sick with fear about the whole thing.

Subscribed and sworn to under the pains and penalties of perjury this 17 day of December, 2008.